Finals

Hey all,

I am in the midst of finals week right now and I'm pretty stressed out. I have a ten page paper to write before Sunday, a three page paper to write before Friday, a paper to rewrite before tomorrow, and a final tomorrow. So I'm gonna keep this short.

Basically all I wanted to write was a brief update. On Friday my mom is gonna be here and she's going to come with me to a therapist appointment. Both my therapist and I think it is a good idea because it seems a lot like my family is just ignoring the issue and maybe this way we can work on it a little bit. I just hope she doesn't go back to how things were because I don't know if I can last a month of female pronouns and such.

Well, back to writing. If I don't update soon that means that I've drowned in a river of words. Wish me luck!

Post-Thanksgiving

Besides the food and the break from school, Thanksgiving was generally horrible. It was just a whole week of them calling me by my female name and by female pronouns and stuff. I did get a break in the beginning by going to Disneyland with a friend of mine but, as I didn't bring it up, she more than likely doesn't even remember to call me by Finn and male pronouns. But since it was the two of us she didn't really use female one's either. But anyway, I got increasingly frustrated, both at them and myself. Them because I have told them, or at least my mom who told the others, and hoped that they would at least be trying. And me because I'm not 'reminding' them. I'm not because I'm not a pushy person and don't like confrontation, I guess at least about stuff like this. I just don't know how I'm going to last a whole month at winter break.

On the morning that my sister and I were to leave I showed my mom the Degrassi episodes "My Body is a Cage" parts 1 and 2. I fast-forwarded through the B and C plots as we did not have much time. For those who do not know, these episodes feature Adam, the first ever regular trans teen in scripted television. When we first see Adam in the episode (when the episode starts) he is in the car with his brother, Drew, and their mom. My mom then says "You can totally tell she's a girl". That did not feel too good. Then later on in the episode Adam is talking to Clare and Eli and my mom says: "She looks a lot like so-and-so." And I'm like, "Who? Clare?" And my mom, with an annoyed voice says: "Okay HE looks a lot like so-and-so" like it pained her to talk about Adam as a he. The so-and-so she was talking about was a female too. But, since the actor who plays Adam is a female, I suppose that's not all bad. Then later when Adam is talking to his mom he asks if when she looks at him if she sees a boy or a girl. She answers: a girl. My mom says: "She gave birth to a GIRL! She -" and I stop her, though I wish I didn't, I kinda wonder what she would said. I explained that Audra, the mom, is possibly Adam's step-mom, but that they haven't really revealed that yet.

After we finished watching that she continued on as she did before. Still not even trying. She hasn't even talked to me about it. I was hoping that showing her these two episodes would help her understand how I am feeling, since it hits on a lot of things that I am feeling. But she probably didn't see it like I did. She was probably rooting for Adam to stay Gracie because it was easier on his mom.

As for traveling while sort of presenting as male, it wasn't all that bad. When I had to show my ID to get through security I just got a few odd looks and then they let me pass. It might have been different if I had been binding but, as I had a large jacket on, I think my chest was well hidden anyway. On the way back we got into a bit of a snafu with our planes. You see, the first one was delayed for an hour so when we landed our connecting flight already took off. We had to wait a few hours until we could eventually get on a bus to take us to our final destination, as the only other flights that day were full and my sister and I did not want to sleep in an airport. Anyway, since we had to wait such a long time to finally get home, I had to use the bathroom. Normally I do my best to hold it until I can get home and I usually steer clear of using public bathrooms. Yesterday was the first time in about a year and a half that I've used a public bathroom. I used the women's bathroom because I figured I wasn't passing that well and I'd rather have security called on me and I can just show them my ID then to get beaten by some jerk in the men's bathroom. Lucky for me it wasn't that crowded so I was able to go in and get out with only a few stares.

I'll end it here. If my mom, doubtful as it is, decides to talk to me about the Degrassi thing then I'll post something about that. Since I only showed her it yesterday she might need a little time to think it through.

Haircut!

So I went into the dreaded Supercuts today and got my hair cut. I even used my preferred name on the waitlist! I was very nervous and I'm pretty sure the woman cutting my hair knew that I'm not biologically male. Or maybe I was just paranoid, I don't know. So anyway what I did was I binded and bought some lunch (and made the mistake of using my debit card - "Have a nice day Ms. Last-Name") and then I drove over to Supercuts. Earlier in the day I was browsing for some haircuts online and printed one I liked. It took me forever to find one (even though the one I settled on was one of the first ones that popped up) and it didn't even turn out like it at all but it's short so I'm happy.

Here's a picture:

                                          Twinsies!!!

Other things that have been going on. I'm helping set up a speaker at my school for the Transgender Day of Remembrance. It's the first time I'm even helping to do something like this so its pretty cool. Last weekend I went camping with some people from the LGBT club on campus and that was awesome. We hiked and played in a river and managed to cram 8 people in one tent, even though we had three other tents set up. I made a few friends and even hung out with one of them yesterday. We spent a few hours playing video games and watching TV. I haven't made a new friend in a long time so it was great. I hope that it lasts because she's really cool and fun to hang out with.

Let me see... what else? Yesterday I also went to another support group meeting. It went well. I am definitely going to continue going. We started off with introductions where we got up and went around to each person (there were like 10 others) and shook hands and made small talk. Then we went around in a circle and reintroduced ourselves and talked about something positive and something negative that's been going on. I said that the something positive was joining Out and About (the LGBT club on campus) and having them know about me being Trans and being supportive. The negative thing was that my parents still have not called me by male pronouns or by Finn and how much that hurt. The other people in the group comforted me in the fact that it takes time and they will come around when they are ready, which I already knew but it's nice to hear it again. They are all older than I am, some by a lot. It feels weird being the youngest person there but I guess that just means that they have plenty of experience and might just be able to help me when I need it.

I think I'm going to stop this here. It's kind of a long post.

Yet Another Update

So... I never went to the San Francisco thing on Friday. My mom didn't want me driving back home in the dark and I didn't want to worry her.

Anyway, I went to the support group meeting today and it was awesome. It wasn't formatted like how a normal group meeting would go since there was a guest speaker: Jennifer Hastings from Planned Parenthood in Santa Cruz. She's basically the person I might go to for T. She was very interesting... and knowledgeable, as were the other group members.

We didn't really introduce ourselves formally today since it was a speaker day but I did get to talk to some of them. They were all pretty nice. I even went to lunch with them and we talked. It was pretty cool to not have to worry about having to make sure I act like a girl around the people that I'm with. I also found it weird that I felt more comfortable with them than I do with people I've known for years. I guess the whole 'being yourself' thing trumps 'new people' anxiety.

In unrelated news I currently working on a story. I don't know if I've mentioned it before or not but I like to write. Specifically fanfiction. I am currently obsessed with Rizzoli & Isles and continued from the cliffhanger they gave. It (Twist Tie) was supposed to be a one-shot but, apparently, I need to finish it. So I have started on my first R&I full fledged story adventure!

Okay... That sounded way more epic than it really is, I promise.

Anyway, back to writing!

Another Update

Hey all you guys out there!

So my last session went well and on Monday I went to talk about joining a Trans support group and I got in so I will be attending that on Saturday. Anyway, what I really wanted to talk about was this upcoming Friday. I made plans Monday night to go to San Francisco for "Stand up to youth suicide" march thing. I am out to the LGBT club that I'm going with and when I said I was attending via facebook my sister asked if she could go with me. This stopped me in my tracks and made me a little scared. I did not know for sure if my mom had told her or not yet so I just asked her and my mom said that she "just kind of said it in passing and it was kind of like not a big deal to [my sister]"

At first I was like: wtf, how can you just say it in passing? Like nonchalantly? I was confused.

So anyway after my mom quelling my fears about that I said that my sister could go. Now I'm nervous about how this could go... It's definitively an interesting situation to be put in.

This creates more problems, however, as I have a huge essay due Thursday night that I haven't finished yet  and now I'm really scared/nervous about this. So this will probably be what most of my thinking consists of between then and now and that's really not good.

Okay *deep sigh* I guess I will try to get some sleep right now. I have school tomorrow and an essay to finish so I'll try to focus on that.

Could all the non-existent readers wish me luck? Thanks!

Pre-t picture

Hey I just thought I'd post a picture so I could have a pre-t pic up. My hair is usually styled but it's late. I might post another one later.

First Day of Therapy!

So I just got back from my first therapy appointment and it was good. She's really nice and actually has a sense of humor (for whatever reason I thought it was going to be q and a and her writing stuff down, which it was but it wasn't just that). We talked about stuff and she said I probably definitively have Gender Identity Disorder. She did briefly talk about how she thought it was not right how that was even in the DSM just like how homosexuality was once in there, so that was good. She referred me to a support group that's around my area and I am considering going. I have a lot on my plate in regards to school but I know that it will probably be best if I do go because it will help with a few things and make it easier to deal with school.

I have another appointment with her next week at 9 am. Bleh! I hate mornings but you gotta do what you gotta do. I don't really know what else to write except that I am so far happy with her as being my therapist. She is totally cool. She did mess up my name but that's because cell phone's aren't totally clear so she called me Sin when I got there. That is an odd name. But I corrected her and she continued calling me Finn which was awesome! I think that's everything for now. If I think of anything else I'll post it!

First Therapy Session Tomorrow!

Okay so I just called and set up my first therapy session and it turns out she's available tomorrow! I'm really nervous but she seems nice! Now all I have to do is find this place.

What did I do and say? Hmm... let me think. Well first I tried calling before the class I had today but there was no answer and I didn't want to leave a voice mail. Then, after watching some weird movie in my anthropology class, I called again and she answered. I gave her some info and she asked why I was coming in. I said, "I'm transgendered. I don't know if you-" she cut me off "yes, that's a specialty of mine." Awesome! I thought. At least I won't have to worry about someone who doesn't know what they are doing... I hope. So I thought through my schedule and we came up with tomorrow at noon. It's so soon!

I'm kind of freaking out right now. What if I don't say things right... or if I'm not able to describe what I'm feeling inside (I often have trouble with this). I guess I'll just have to wait and see what will happen and I will post something tomorrow saying how it went.

Update

Well not much has changed since last time except for the fact that I moved into an apartment and school has started. While I did come out to my roommate and she seemed cool with it she has only referred to me as Finn twice. Once in a text and the other on a sticky note. I don't really want to say anything because 1) she's never here and we haven't really talked a lot so we're not that close yet and 2) I don't want to bug her by being all in her face about it every time she makes a mistake.

My parents are still the same... except this one time when my mom started calling me 'he' and referring to me to my sister as 'your brother'. It was awesome!... oh wait, that was a dream...

I haven't started therapy yet and I'm not sure when but I hope it's soon. I don't think I'll be able to stay sane if it's not soon.

The only good thing that's happened so far in terms of transitioning is that I went to an LGBTQ meeting on campus and when we did introductions I told them that I identify as FtM and that I wanted to go by Finn and male pronouns and they were pretty supportive. The most surprising thing about that was that I came out to like 20 people and I wasn't really nervous about it or anything. It felt kind of good.

That's all I can think of for right now but I'll post more as soon as I can.

Black Sheep of the Family

So, once again, I can't do anything right.

When my dad came in today he headed straight for the pantry and took out the trash. I put down my computer and jumped up to help. My sister and mom were closer but were looking at something on my mom's computer. I grabbed the "newspaper recycling" near my mom's chair and he grabbed the trash and the recycling can in the pantry. I offer to take the other recycling and he pushes past me. I say "I was just trying to help" and he says "yeah well I just got done working 8 hours and the first thing I have to do is take out the trash" and I said "You could have told me to do it" and he says "yeah, I could have"

Now, I do realize that I should have done it earlier but I hadn't been in the pantry like all day so I didn't know what the trash situation looked like. Also, he gave me the biting remarks when I was the one who HELPED, unlike my sister. I helped. She didn't. So why should I be the one he is getting upset at?

My parents seem to have extremely short fuses when it comes to me. My sister just spent hundreds of dollars at the mall today when my mom told her to try and not spend too much and now I am the one sitting in my room, while the three of them are one big happy family without me.

I don't doubt that being transgendered is contributing to this. I mean, I did ruin all of their lives. My mom and dad won't have the daughter they always dreamed I would be. And my sister doesn't get the sister she has always wanted. Sure, I have to deal with the whole world hating me and going through surgeries and a life time of sticking a needle in my self, but that's nothing compared to the shame they must feel of having to deal with me. Sometimes, I just think it would be better to just try and ignore it and pretend to be the girl they always wanted me to be.

A Day In The Life Of Finn

Right now, everyday is a stressful one. I wake up from the comfort of my dreams to the nightmare of my real life. Having my family call me by my birth name and by female pronouns makes me feel like that don't respect who I really am. I feel ignored. When I walk downstairs and my mom is sitting at her chair and she looks up at me it always seems to be in contempt. Like I ruined her life somehow by being who I really am. The only time that seems to have stayed somewhat the same is when I succeed in making her laugh. I was always able to do that and at least that has stayed. I hope that, in time, she grows to understand my situation.

I have not shaved my legs since June and I only did so then because I had to have surgery on my wrist and I had a fear that the doctors would kill me in my sleep if I had not tried to be a "normal girl." Before then I only shaved when I felt I was expected to, which is not a really good reason to do so. Even now I still feel as if my family expects me to fit into a female role and in a way I get around it without having them really know. I pretty much used to always wear shorts but now I am wearing pants everyday even though it is miserably hot outside now. I want to wear shorts but I know that I will get that disapproving look I am so used to.

I do not bind as of now but I try to wear tight fitting sports bras. They don't really work that well for binding purposes but I just try my best to ignore the moobs. What usually happens is that I shrink my chest in and keep my head up enough so that they are out of my line of sight. But then when I look down I get an unwelcome reminder. As soon as I get enough money to I hope to buy one, hopefully before I move.

Going outside for me is a huge part of my anxiety and I know that it is pretty much directly related to being trans. I don't like interacting with people because I know they see me as this butch woman and that knowledge makes me hugely uncomfortable. When I am out I always get these looks, like people are trying to figure me out or are just judging me. Even going through the check out lines at the grocery store the cashier is giving me this look like I don't belong here. I have been read as male a few time but those times were when I was with my mom before she knew and she was always horrified, trying to correct the person, so I never got to enjoy being read as male. The only time I was read as male and not with my mom was when I was a TA in high school and we had a sub. However I was not even aware that I was trans then and the class was snickering at me. That was not fun.

My parents are afraid that I will become a hermit because I don't go outside a lot now. I wish I could find out how to explain to them that the only reason I am like this is because I am uncomfortable in my own skin and being around other people exasperates this.

I am looking forward to moving in with someone who accepts me so I can spend more time living as a male. So far I have not spent any time apart from the internet living as a male.

Well I think I will end it here, as I can not think of what else to add to this.

Hello World!

My name is Finn. I highly doubt anyone except for a few friends is reading this but I will just write as if I might be of some help or entertainment to someone. I am a student at CSUMB studying anthropology and I thought I would just give this a try. I was born a female but I consider myself to be male. I thought I would document my transition via blog.

I actually came out to my parents a few months ago. Well actually what happened was that I slipped up while talking to my mom and it resulted in me having to come out to her sooner than I was ready to and, as she did when I told her about my attraction towards girls, she relayed it to my dad because we don't really talk about stuff like this.

Anyway, I told her and when she didn't immediately kick me out I thought everything was going to be perfect. I wasn't quite right in that. She didn't turn evil on me or anything but she has not yet to call me Finn or by any male pronouns and it doesn't seem like she's trying. She always says "missy" and "my daughter" and "your sister" (when talking to my sister) and all those other things that just really get under my skin. I have confronted her about this but she just brushes it off. I know it isn't easy but it's not easy for me to stay like this, being someone who is nowhere near the real me. I had to be that for almost 20 years and I can't do it anymore.

So, in about two weeks I move in to an apartment near my college and I am hoping to see a therapist/counselor person up in Monterey. My mom has even mentioned that a few times, although what was running through her head may have been something more like "I hope the therapist can talk her out of this". So, anyway I think that's enough about that for now, but don't be surprised to find more rants about my mom later on. If I continue posting, that is.

Well I came out to one of my best friends a few weeks or so before I came out to my mom. She was totally cool with it and she is awesome. I haven't been able to talk about being trans with her that much though but that probably has to do with the fact that she is super busy with work and school and lives a bit aways from me.

I also came out to my soon to be roommate about a week ago and she was totally okay with it. I am a little worried, though, because I am used to people stabbing me in the back because high school was so great! But I will come back to that after I get to know her in person some more.

I am pre-everything, obviously, and it sucks. I don't even have a binder yet and I haven't cut my hair in a while because, frankly, it terrifies me. Maybe I will post something another day about the horrors of Supercuts, but right now lets leave it at that because it is getting a little late. If anyone is actually reading this and has any questions feel free to ask in the comments or by email (if it shows up in my profile) or carrier pigeon. Whatever works!