Right now, everyday is a stressful one. I wake up from the comfort of my dreams to the nightmare of my real life. Having my family call me by my birth name and by female pronouns makes me feel like that don't respect who I really am. I feel ignored. When I walk downstairs and my mom is sitting at her chair and she looks up at me it always seems to be in contempt. Like I ruined her life somehow by being who I really am. The only time that seems to have stayed somewhat the same is when I succeed in making her laugh. I was always able to do that and at least that has stayed. I hope that, in time, she grows to understand my situation.
I have not shaved my legs since June and I only did so then because I had to have surgery on my wrist and I had a fear that the doctors would kill me in my sleep if I had not tried to be a "normal girl." Before then I only shaved when I felt I was expected to, which is not a really good reason to do so. Even now I still feel as if my family expects me to fit into a female role and in a way I get around it without having them really know. I pretty much used to always wear shorts but now I am wearing pants everyday even though it is miserably hot outside now. I want to wear shorts but I know that I will get that disapproving look I am so used to.
I do not bind as of now but I try to wear tight fitting sports bras. They don't really work that well for binding purposes but I just try my best to ignore the moobs. What usually happens is that I shrink my chest in and keep my head up enough so that they are out of my line of sight. But then when I look down I get an unwelcome reminder. As soon as I get enough money to I hope to buy one, hopefully before I move.
Going outside for me is a huge part of my anxiety and I know that it is pretty much directly related to being trans. I don't like interacting with people because I know they see me as this butch woman and that knowledge makes me hugely uncomfortable. When I am out I always get these looks, like people are trying to figure me out or are just judging me. Even going through the check out lines at the grocery store the cashier is giving me this look like I don't belong here. I have been read as male a few time but those times were when I was with my mom before she knew and she was always horrified, trying to correct the person, so I never got to enjoy being read as male. The only time I was read as male and not with my mom was when I was a TA in high school and we had a sub. However I was not even aware that I was trans then and the class was snickering at me. That was not fun.
My parents are afraid that I will become a hermit because I don't go outside a lot now. I wish I could find out how to explain to them that the only reason I am like this is because I am uncomfortable in my own skin and being around other people exasperates this.
I am looking forward to moving in with someone who accepts me so I can spend more time living as a male. So far I have not spent any time apart from the internet living as a male.
Well I think I will end it here, as I can not think of what else to add to this.
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