Black Sheep of the Family

So, once again, I can't do anything right.

When my dad came in today he headed straight for the pantry and took out the trash. I put down my computer and jumped up to help. My sister and mom were closer but were looking at something on my mom's computer. I grabbed the "newspaper recycling" near my mom's chair and he grabbed the trash and the recycling can in the pantry. I offer to take the other recycling and he pushes past me. I say "I was just trying to help" and he says "yeah well I just got done working 8 hours and the first thing I have to do is take out the trash" and I said "You could have told me to do it" and he says "yeah, I could have"

Now, I do realize that I should have done it earlier but I hadn't been in the pantry like all day so I didn't know what the trash situation looked like. Also, he gave me the biting remarks when I was the one who HELPED, unlike my sister. I helped. She didn't. So why should I be the one he is getting upset at?

My parents seem to have extremely short fuses when it comes to me. My sister just spent hundreds of dollars at the mall today when my mom told her to try and not spend too much and now I am the one sitting in my room, while the three of them are one big happy family without me.

I don't doubt that being transgendered is contributing to this. I mean, I did ruin all of their lives. My mom and dad won't have the daughter they always dreamed I would be. And my sister doesn't get the sister she has always wanted. Sure, I have to deal with the whole world hating me and going through surgeries and a life time of sticking a needle in my self, but that's nothing compared to the shame they must feel of having to deal with me. Sometimes, I just think it would be better to just try and ignore it and pretend to be the girl they always wanted me to be.

A Day In The Life Of Finn

Right now, everyday is a stressful one. I wake up from the comfort of my dreams to the nightmare of my real life. Having my family call me by my birth name and by female pronouns makes me feel like that don't respect who I really am. I feel ignored. When I walk downstairs and my mom is sitting at her chair and she looks up at me it always seems to be in contempt. Like I ruined her life somehow by being who I really am. The only time that seems to have stayed somewhat the same is when I succeed in making her laugh. I was always able to do that and at least that has stayed. I hope that, in time, she grows to understand my situation.

I have not shaved my legs since June and I only did so then because I had to have surgery on my wrist and I had a fear that the doctors would kill me in my sleep if I had not tried to be a "normal girl." Before then I only shaved when I felt I was expected to, which is not a really good reason to do so. Even now I still feel as if my family expects me to fit into a female role and in a way I get around it without having them really know. I pretty much used to always wear shorts but now I am wearing pants everyday even though it is miserably hot outside now. I want to wear shorts but I know that I will get that disapproving look I am so used to.

I do not bind as of now but I try to wear tight fitting sports bras. They don't really work that well for binding purposes but I just try my best to ignore the moobs. What usually happens is that I shrink my chest in and keep my head up enough so that they are out of my line of sight. But then when I look down I get an unwelcome reminder. As soon as I get enough money to I hope to buy one, hopefully before I move.

Going outside for me is a huge part of my anxiety and I know that it is pretty much directly related to being trans. I don't like interacting with people because I know they see me as this butch woman and that knowledge makes me hugely uncomfortable. When I am out I always get these looks, like people are trying to figure me out or are just judging me. Even going through the check out lines at the grocery store the cashier is giving me this look like I don't belong here. I have been read as male a few time but those times were when I was with my mom before she knew and she was always horrified, trying to correct the person, so I never got to enjoy being read as male. The only time I was read as male and not with my mom was when I was a TA in high school and we had a sub. However I was not even aware that I was trans then and the class was snickering at me. That was not fun.

My parents are afraid that I will become a hermit because I don't go outside a lot now. I wish I could find out how to explain to them that the only reason I am like this is because I am uncomfortable in my own skin and being around other people exasperates this.

I am looking forward to moving in with someone who accepts me so I can spend more time living as a male. So far I have not spent any time apart from the internet living as a male.

Well I think I will end it here, as I can not think of what else to add to this.

Hello World!

My name is Finn. I highly doubt anyone except for a few friends is reading this but I will just write as if I might be of some help or entertainment to someone. I am a student at CSUMB studying anthropology and I thought I would just give this a try. I was born a female but I consider myself to be male. I thought I would document my transition via blog.

I actually came out to my parents a few months ago. Well actually what happened was that I slipped up while talking to my mom and it resulted in me having to come out to her sooner than I was ready to and, as she did when I told her about my attraction towards girls, she relayed it to my dad because we don't really talk about stuff like this.

Anyway, I told her and when she didn't immediately kick me out I thought everything was going to be perfect. I wasn't quite right in that. She didn't turn evil on me or anything but she has not yet to call me Finn or by any male pronouns and it doesn't seem like she's trying. She always says "missy" and "my daughter" and "your sister" (when talking to my sister) and all those other things that just really get under my skin. I have confronted her about this but she just brushes it off. I know it isn't easy but it's not easy for me to stay like this, being someone who is nowhere near the real me. I had to be that for almost 20 years and I can't do it anymore.

So, in about two weeks I move in to an apartment near my college and I am hoping to see a therapist/counselor person up in Monterey. My mom has even mentioned that a few times, although what was running through her head may have been something more like "I hope the therapist can talk her out of this". So, anyway I think that's enough about that for now, but don't be surprised to find more rants about my mom later on. If I continue posting, that is.

Well I came out to one of my best friends a few weeks or so before I came out to my mom. She was totally cool with it and she is awesome. I haven't been able to talk about being trans with her that much though but that probably has to do with the fact that she is super busy with work and school and lives a bit aways from me.

I also came out to my soon to be roommate about a week ago and she was totally okay with it. I am a little worried, though, because I am used to people stabbing me in the back because high school was so great! But I will come back to that after I get to know her in person some more.

I am pre-everything, obviously, and it sucks. I don't even have a binder yet and I haven't cut my hair in a while because, frankly, it terrifies me. Maybe I will post something another day about the horrors of Supercuts, but right now lets leave it at that because it is getting a little late. If anyone is actually reading this and has any questions feel free to ask in the comments or by email (if it shows up in my profile) or carrier pigeon. Whatever works!