Yet Another Update

So... I never went to the San Francisco thing on Friday. My mom didn't want me driving back home in the dark and I didn't want to worry her.

Anyway, I went to the support group meeting today and it was awesome. It wasn't formatted like how a normal group meeting would go since there was a guest speaker: Jennifer Hastings from Planned Parenthood in Santa Cruz. She's basically the person I might go to for T. She was very interesting... and knowledgeable, as were the other group members.

We didn't really introduce ourselves formally today since it was a speaker day but I did get to talk to some of them. They were all pretty nice. I even went to lunch with them and we talked. It was pretty cool to not have to worry about having to make sure I act like a girl around the people that I'm with. I also found it weird that I felt more comfortable with them than I do with people I've known for years. I guess the whole 'being yourself' thing trumps 'new people' anxiety.

In unrelated news I currently working on a story. I don't know if I've mentioned it before or not but I like to write. Specifically fanfiction. I am currently obsessed with Rizzoli & Isles and continued from the cliffhanger they gave. It (Twist Tie) was supposed to be a one-shot but, apparently, I need to finish it. So I have started on my first R&I full fledged story adventure!

Okay... That sounded way more epic than it really is, I promise.

Anyway, back to writing!

Another Update

Hey all you guys out there!

So my last session went well and on Monday I went to talk about joining a Trans support group and I got in so I will be attending that on Saturday. Anyway, what I really wanted to talk about was this upcoming Friday. I made plans Monday night to go to San Francisco for "Stand up to youth suicide" march thing. I am out to the LGBT club that I'm going with and when I said I was attending via facebook my sister asked if she could go with me. This stopped me in my tracks and made me a little scared. I did not know for sure if my mom had told her or not yet so I just asked her and my mom said that she "just kind of said it in passing and it was kind of like not a big deal to [my sister]"

At first I was like: wtf, how can you just say it in passing? Like nonchalantly? I was confused.

So anyway after my mom quelling my fears about that I said that my sister could go. Now I'm nervous about how this could go... It's definitively an interesting situation to be put in.

This creates more problems, however, as I have a huge essay due Thursday night that I haven't finished yet  and now I'm really scared/nervous about this. So this will probably be what most of my thinking consists of between then and now and that's really not good.

Okay *deep sigh* I guess I will try to get some sleep right now. I have school tomorrow and an essay to finish so I'll try to focus on that.

Could all the non-existent readers wish me luck? Thanks!

Pre-t picture

Hey I just thought I'd post a picture so I could have a pre-t pic up. My hair is usually styled but it's late. I might post another one later.

First Day of Therapy!

So I just got back from my first therapy appointment and it was good. She's really nice and actually has a sense of humor (for whatever reason I thought it was going to be q and a and her writing stuff down, which it was but it wasn't just that). We talked about stuff and she said I probably definitively have Gender Identity Disorder. She did briefly talk about how she thought it was not right how that was even in the DSM just like how homosexuality was once in there, so that was good. She referred me to a support group that's around my area and I am considering going. I have a lot on my plate in regards to school but I know that it will probably be best if I do go because it will help with a few things and make it easier to deal with school.

I have another appointment with her next week at 9 am. Bleh! I hate mornings but you gotta do what you gotta do. I don't really know what else to write except that I am so far happy with her as being my therapist. She is totally cool. She did mess up my name but that's because cell phone's aren't totally clear so she called me Sin when I got there. That is an odd name. But I corrected her and she continued calling me Finn which was awesome! I think that's everything for now. If I think of anything else I'll post it!

First Therapy Session Tomorrow!

Okay so I just called and set up my first therapy session and it turns out she's available tomorrow! I'm really nervous but she seems nice! Now all I have to do is find this place.

What did I do and say? Hmm... let me think. Well first I tried calling before the class I had today but there was no answer and I didn't want to leave a voice mail. Then, after watching some weird movie in my anthropology class, I called again and she answered. I gave her some info and she asked why I was coming in. I said, "I'm transgendered. I don't know if you-" she cut me off "yes, that's a specialty of mine." Awesome! I thought. At least I won't have to worry about someone who doesn't know what they are doing... I hope. So I thought through my schedule and we came up with tomorrow at noon. It's so soon!

I'm kind of freaking out right now. What if I don't say things right... or if I'm not able to describe what I'm feeling inside (I often have trouble with this). I guess I'll just have to wait and see what will happen and I will post something tomorrow saying how it went.

Update

Well not much has changed since last time except for the fact that I moved into an apartment and school has started. While I did come out to my roommate and she seemed cool with it she has only referred to me as Finn twice. Once in a text and the other on a sticky note. I don't really want to say anything because 1) she's never here and we haven't really talked a lot so we're not that close yet and 2) I don't want to bug her by being all in her face about it every time she makes a mistake.

My parents are still the same... except this one time when my mom started calling me 'he' and referring to me to my sister as 'your brother'. It was awesome!... oh wait, that was a dream...

I haven't started therapy yet and I'm not sure when but I hope it's soon. I don't think I'll be able to stay sane if it's not soon.

The only good thing that's happened so far in terms of transitioning is that I went to an LGBTQ meeting on campus and when we did introductions I told them that I identify as FtM and that I wanted to go by Finn and male pronouns and they were pretty supportive. The most surprising thing about that was that I came out to like 20 people and I wasn't really nervous about it or anything. It felt kind of good.

That's all I can think of for right now but I'll post more as soon as I can.

Black Sheep of the Family

So, once again, I can't do anything right.

When my dad came in today he headed straight for the pantry and took out the trash. I put down my computer and jumped up to help. My sister and mom were closer but were looking at something on my mom's computer. I grabbed the "newspaper recycling" near my mom's chair and he grabbed the trash and the recycling can in the pantry. I offer to take the other recycling and he pushes past me. I say "I was just trying to help" and he says "yeah well I just got done working 8 hours and the first thing I have to do is take out the trash" and I said "You could have told me to do it" and he says "yeah, I could have"

Now, I do realize that I should have done it earlier but I hadn't been in the pantry like all day so I didn't know what the trash situation looked like. Also, he gave me the biting remarks when I was the one who HELPED, unlike my sister. I helped. She didn't. So why should I be the one he is getting upset at?

My parents seem to have extremely short fuses when it comes to me. My sister just spent hundreds of dollars at the mall today when my mom told her to try and not spend too much and now I am the one sitting in my room, while the three of them are one big happy family without me.

I don't doubt that being transgendered is contributing to this. I mean, I did ruin all of their lives. My mom and dad won't have the daughter they always dreamed I would be. And my sister doesn't get the sister she has always wanted. Sure, I have to deal with the whole world hating me and going through surgeries and a life time of sticking a needle in my self, but that's nothing compared to the shame they must feel of having to deal with me. Sometimes, I just think it would be better to just try and ignore it and pretend to be the girl they always wanted me to be.