Hey guys,
Sorry I haven't posted in a while, I guess I was drowning in words for a while, just not for schoolwork. I've written so much for fanfics in the last couple of weeks that I'm typing in my sleep. I'm glad I'm getting to work on them though, I just wish I wasn't hitting as many walls as I have been.
Anyway, the therapist appointment went well but didn't really accomplish much. I thought it was going to because I could see my mom trying on the couch across from me but now that we're home she's not trying at all. I know that I need to do more like actually talking about it but I don't want to be the one annoying family member who keeps bugging everyone about it.
I don't know what to do about it. I'm starting to get really frustrated about it and the only thing that's helped to keep me sane is writing but that's starting to fizzle out.
On the plus side I bought a packer and an stp a few weeks ago. I haven't really used them that much so far because I'm still trying to figure out how. I have a plan on how to make a harness but I haven't made it yet. I've only tried to use the stp twice and I kind of failed both times. Oh well, practice makes perfect I guess.
Sorry it's so short, I don't know what else to write as there hasn't been that much progress lately. Hopefully I'll have something post-worthy soon.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Finals
Hey all,
I am in the midst of finals week right now and I'm pretty stressed out. I have a ten page paper to write before Sunday, a three page paper to write before Friday, a paper to rewrite before tomorrow, and a final tomorrow. So I'm gonna keep this short.
Basically all I wanted to write was a brief update. On Friday my mom is gonna be here and she's going to come with me to a therapist appointment. Both my therapist and I think it is a good idea because it seems a lot like my family is just ignoring the issue and maybe this way we can work on it a little bit. I just hope she doesn't go back to how things were because I don't know if I can last a month of female pronouns and such.
Well, back to writing. If I don't update soon that means that I've drowned in a river of words. Wish me luck!
I am in the midst of finals week right now and I'm pretty stressed out. I have a ten page paper to write before Sunday, a three page paper to write before Friday, a paper to rewrite before tomorrow, and a final tomorrow. So I'm gonna keep this short.
Basically all I wanted to write was a brief update. On Friday my mom is gonna be here and she's going to come with me to a therapist appointment. Both my therapist and I think it is a good idea because it seems a lot like my family is just ignoring the issue and maybe this way we can work on it a little bit. I just hope she doesn't go back to how things were because I don't know if I can last a month of female pronouns and such.
Well, back to writing. If I don't update soon that means that I've drowned in a river of words. Wish me luck!
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Post-Thanksgiving
Besides the food and the break from school, Thanksgiving was generally horrible. It was just a whole week of them calling me by my female name and by female pronouns and stuff. I did get a break in the beginning by going to Disneyland with a friend of mine but, as I didn't bring it up, she more than likely doesn't even remember to call me by Finn and male pronouns. But since it was the two of us she didn't really use female one's either. But anyway, I got increasingly frustrated, both at them and myself. Them because I have told them, or at least my mom who told the others, and hoped that they would at least be trying. And me because I'm not 'reminding' them. I'm not because I'm not a pushy person and don't like confrontation, I guess at least about stuff like this. I just don't know how I'm going to last a whole month at winter break.
On the morning that my sister and I were to leave I showed my mom the Degrassi episodes "My Body is a Cage" parts 1 and 2. I fast-forwarded through the B and C plots as we did not have much time. For those who do not know, these episodes feature Adam, the first ever regular trans teen in scripted television. When we first see Adam in the episode (when the episode starts) he is in the car with his brother, Drew, and their mom. My mom then says "You can totally tell she's a girl". That did not feel too good. Then later on in the episode Adam is talking to Clare and Eli and my mom says: "She looks a lot like so-and-so." And I'm like, "Who? Clare?" And my mom, with an annoyed voice says: "Okay HE looks a lot like so-and-so" like it pained her to talk about Adam as a he. The so-and-so she was talking about was a female too. But, since the actor who plays Adam is a female, I suppose that's not all bad. Then later when Adam is talking to his mom he asks if when she looks at him if she sees a boy or a girl. She answers: a girl. My mom says: "She gave birth to a GIRL! She -" and I stop her, though I wish I didn't, I kinda wonder what she would said. I explained that Audra, the mom, is possibly Adam's step-mom, but that they haven't really revealed that yet.
After we finished watching that she continued on as she did before. Still not even trying. She hasn't even talked to me about it. I was hoping that showing her these two episodes would help her understand how I am feeling, since it hits on a lot of things that I am feeling. But she probably didn't see it like I did. She was probably rooting for Adam to stay Gracie because it was easier on his mom.
As for traveling while sort of presenting as male, it wasn't all that bad. When I had to show my ID to get through security I just got a few odd looks and then they let me pass. It might have been different if I had been binding but, as I had a large jacket on, I think my chest was well hidden anyway. On the way back we got into a bit of a snafu with our planes. You see, the first one was delayed for an hour so when we landed our connecting flight already took off. We had to wait a few hours until we could eventually get on a bus to take us to our final destination, as the only other flights that day were full and my sister and I did not want to sleep in an airport. Anyway, since we had to wait such a long time to finally get home, I had to use the bathroom. Normally I do my best to hold it until I can get home and I usually steer clear of using public bathrooms. Yesterday was the first time in about a year and a half that I've used a public bathroom. I used the women's bathroom because I figured I wasn't passing that well and I'd rather have security called on me and I can just show them my ID then to get beaten by some jerk in the men's bathroom. Lucky for me it wasn't that crowded so I was able to go in and get out with only a few stares.
I'll end it here. If my mom, doubtful as it is, decides to talk to me about the Degrassi thing then I'll post something about that. Since I only showed her it yesterday she might need a little time to think it through.
On the morning that my sister and I were to leave I showed my mom the Degrassi episodes "My Body is a Cage" parts 1 and 2. I fast-forwarded through the B and C plots as we did not have much time. For those who do not know, these episodes feature Adam, the first ever regular trans teen in scripted television. When we first see Adam in the episode (when the episode starts) he is in the car with his brother, Drew, and their mom. My mom then says "You can totally tell she's a girl". That did not feel too good. Then later on in the episode Adam is talking to Clare and Eli and my mom says: "She looks a lot like so-and-so." And I'm like, "Who? Clare?" And my mom, with an annoyed voice says: "Okay HE looks a lot like so-and-so" like it pained her to talk about Adam as a he. The so-and-so she was talking about was a female too. But, since the actor who plays Adam is a female, I suppose that's not all bad. Then later when Adam is talking to his mom he asks if when she looks at him if she sees a boy or a girl. She answers: a girl. My mom says: "She gave birth to a GIRL! She -" and I stop her, though I wish I didn't, I kinda wonder what she would said. I explained that Audra, the mom, is possibly Adam's step-mom, but that they haven't really revealed that yet.
After we finished watching that she continued on as she did before. Still not even trying. She hasn't even talked to me about it. I was hoping that showing her these two episodes would help her understand how I am feeling, since it hits on a lot of things that I am feeling. But she probably didn't see it like I did. She was probably rooting for Adam to stay Gracie because it was easier on his mom.
As for traveling while sort of presenting as male, it wasn't all that bad. When I had to show my ID to get through security I just got a few odd looks and then they let me pass. It might have been different if I had been binding but, as I had a large jacket on, I think my chest was well hidden anyway. On the way back we got into a bit of a snafu with our planes. You see, the first one was delayed for an hour so when we landed our connecting flight already took off. We had to wait a few hours until we could eventually get on a bus to take us to our final destination, as the only other flights that day were full and my sister and I did not want to sleep in an airport. Anyway, since we had to wait such a long time to finally get home, I had to use the bathroom. Normally I do my best to hold it until I can get home and I usually steer clear of using public bathrooms. Yesterday was the first time in about a year and a half that I've used a public bathroom. I used the women's bathroom because I figured I wasn't passing that well and I'd rather have security called on me and I can just show them my ID then to get beaten by some jerk in the men's bathroom. Lucky for me it wasn't that crowded so I was able to go in and get out with only a few stares.
I'll end it here. If my mom, doubtful as it is, decides to talk to me about the Degrassi thing then I'll post something about that. Since I only showed her it yesterday she might need a little time to think it through.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Haircut!
So I went into the dreaded Supercuts today and got my hair cut. I even used my preferred name on the waitlist! I was very nervous and I'm pretty sure the woman cutting my hair knew that I'm not biologically male. Or maybe I was just paranoid, I don't know. So anyway what I did was I binded and bought some lunch (and made the mistake of using my debit card - "Have a nice day Ms. Last-Name") and then I drove over to Supercuts. Earlier in the day I was browsing for some haircuts online and printed one I liked. It took me forever to find one (even though the one I settled on was one of the first ones that popped up) and it didn't even turn out like it at all but it's short so I'm happy.
Here's a picture:
Twinsies!!!
Other things that have been going on. I'm helping set up a speaker at my school for the Transgender Day of Remembrance. It's the first time I'm even helping to do something like this so its pretty cool. Last weekend I went camping with some people from the LGBT club on campus and that was awesome. We hiked and played in a river and managed to cram 8 people in one tent, even though we had three other tents set up. I made a few friends and even hung out with one of them yesterday. We spent a few hours playing video games and watching TV. I haven't made a new friend in a long time so it was great. I hope that it lasts because she's really cool and fun to hang out with.
Let me see... what else? Yesterday I also went to another support group meeting. It went well. I am definitely going to continue going. We started off with introductions where we got up and went around to each person (there were like 10 others) and shook hands and made small talk. Then we went around in a circle and reintroduced ourselves and talked about something positive and something negative that's been going on. I said that the something positive was joining Out and About (the LGBT club on campus) and having them know about me being Trans and being supportive. The negative thing was that my parents still have not called me by male pronouns or by Finn and how much that hurt. The other people in the group comforted me in the fact that it takes time and they will come around when they are ready, which I already knew but it's nice to hear it again. They are all older than I am, some by a lot. It feels weird being the youngest person there but I guess that just means that they have plenty of experience and might just be able to help me when I need it.
I think I'm going to stop this here. It's kind of a long post.
Here's a picture:
Other things that have been going on. I'm helping set up a speaker at my school for the Transgender Day of Remembrance. It's the first time I'm even helping to do something like this so its pretty cool. Last weekend I went camping with some people from the LGBT club on campus and that was awesome. We hiked and played in a river and managed to cram 8 people in one tent, even though we had three other tents set up. I made a few friends and even hung out with one of them yesterday. We spent a few hours playing video games and watching TV. I haven't made a new friend in a long time so it was great. I hope that it lasts because she's really cool and fun to hang out with.
Let me see... what else? Yesterday I also went to another support group meeting. It went well. I am definitely going to continue going. We started off with introductions where we got up and went around to each person (there were like 10 others) and shook hands and made small talk. Then we went around in a circle and reintroduced ourselves and talked about something positive and something negative that's been going on. I said that the something positive was joining Out and About (the LGBT club on campus) and having them know about me being Trans and being supportive. The negative thing was that my parents still have not called me by male pronouns or by Finn and how much that hurt. The other people in the group comforted me in the fact that it takes time and they will come around when they are ready, which I already knew but it's nice to hear it again. They are all older than I am, some by a lot. It feels weird being the youngest person there but I guess that just means that they have plenty of experience and might just be able to help me when I need it.
I think I'm going to stop this here. It's kind of a long post.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Yet Another Update
So... I never went to the San Francisco thing on Friday. My mom didn't want me driving back home in the dark and I didn't want to worry her.
Anyway, I went to the support group meeting today and it was awesome. It wasn't formatted like how a normal group meeting would go since there was a guest speaker: Jennifer Hastings from Planned Parenthood in Santa Cruz. She's basically the person I might go to for T. She was very interesting... and knowledgeable, as were the other group members.
We didn't really introduce ourselves formally today since it was a speaker day but I did get to talk to some of them. They were all pretty nice. I even went to lunch with them and we talked. It was pretty cool to not have to worry about having to make sure I act like a girl around the people that I'm with. I also found it weird that I felt more comfortable with them than I do with people I've known for years. I guess the whole 'being yourself' thing trumps 'new people' anxiety.
In unrelated news I currently working on a story. I don't know if I've mentioned it before or not but I like to write. Specifically fanfiction. I am currently obsessed with Rizzoli & Isles and continued from the cliffhanger they gave. It (Twist Tie) was supposed to be a one-shot but, apparently, I need to finish it. So I have started on my first R&I full fledged story adventure!
Okay... That sounded way more epic than it really is, I promise.
Anyway, back to writing!
Anyway, I went to the support group meeting today and it was awesome. It wasn't formatted like how a normal group meeting would go since there was a guest speaker: Jennifer Hastings from Planned Parenthood in Santa Cruz. She's basically the person I might go to for T. She was very interesting... and knowledgeable, as were the other group members.
We didn't really introduce ourselves formally today since it was a speaker day but I did get to talk to some of them. They were all pretty nice. I even went to lunch with them and we talked. It was pretty cool to not have to worry about having to make sure I act like a girl around the people that I'm with. I also found it weird that I felt more comfortable with them than I do with people I've known for years. I guess the whole 'being yourself' thing trumps 'new people' anxiety.
In unrelated news I currently working on a story. I don't know if I've mentioned it before or not but I like to write. Specifically fanfiction. I am currently obsessed with Rizzoli & Isles and continued from the cliffhanger they gave. It (Twist Tie) was supposed to be a one-shot but, apparently, I need to finish it. So I have started on my first R&I full fledged story adventure!
Okay... That sounded way more epic than it really is, I promise.
Anyway, back to writing!
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Another Update
Hey all you guys out there!
So my last session went well and on Monday I went to talk about joining a Trans support group and I got in so I will be attending that on Saturday. Anyway, what I really wanted to talk about was this upcoming Friday. I made plans Monday night to go to San Francisco for "Stand up to youth suicide" march thing. I am out to the LGBT club that I'm going with and when I said I was attending via facebook my sister asked if she could go with me. This stopped me in my tracks and made me a little scared. I did not know for sure if my mom had told her or not yet so I just asked her and my mom said that she "just kind of said it in passing and it was kind of like not a big deal to [my sister]"
At first I was like: wtf, how can you just say it in passing? Like nonchalantly? I was confused.
So anyway after my mom quelling my fears about that I said that my sister could go. Now I'm nervous about how this could go... It's definitively an interesting situation to be put in.
This creates more problems, however, as I have a huge essay due Thursday night that I haven't finished yet and now I'm really scared/nervous about this. So this will probably be what most of my thinking consists of between then and now and that's really not good.
Okay *deep sigh* I guess I will try to get some sleep right now. I have school tomorrow and an essay to finish so I'll try to focus on that.
Could all the non-existent readers wish me luck? Thanks!
So my last session went well and on Monday I went to talk about joining a Trans support group and I got in so I will be attending that on Saturday. Anyway, what I really wanted to talk about was this upcoming Friday. I made plans Monday night to go to San Francisco for "Stand up to youth suicide" march thing. I am out to the LGBT club that I'm going with and when I said I was attending via facebook my sister asked if she could go with me. This stopped me in my tracks and made me a little scared. I did not know for sure if my mom had told her or not yet so I just asked her and my mom said that she "just kind of said it in passing and it was kind of like not a big deal to [my sister]"
At first I was like: wtf, how can you just say it in passing? Like nonchalantly? I was confused.
So anyway after my mom quelling my fears about that I said that my sister could go. Now I'm nervous about how this could go... It's definitively an interesting situation to be put in.
This creates more problems, however, as I have a huge essay due Thursday night that I haven't finished yet and now I'm really scared/nervous about this. So this will probably be what most of my thinking consists of between then and now and that's really not good.
Okay *deep sigh* I guess I will try to get some sleep right now. I have school tomorrow and an essay to finish so I'll try to focus on that.
Could all the non-existent readers wish me luck? Thanks!
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Pre-t picture
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